


Run, River, Run

by MTK4FUN



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Accidental Killing, Contemporary AU, Death of minor character, Depression, F/M, Suicidal Ideation, mental health therapy/counseling, planning of a suicide, self-defense killing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-04 03:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14011563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MTK4FUN/pseuds/MTK4FUN
Summary: While working a summer job, college student Katniss Everdeen witnesses a robbery and murder, and is forced to kill in self-defense. The depression that follows leaves her feeling alone and broken, until she attends a group therapy camp out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: This story includes mention of the death of a minor character, accidental and self-defense killings, suicidal ideation, and the planning of a suicide. Assuming readers have already read The Hunger Games, they are familiar with these subjects being part of THG fan fiction; I add this warning so readers will be aware that this story is darker in nature than my usual fics.

 

_Even though life is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. – Helen Keller_

 

 

What time was her appointment? Katniss should have written it down instead of trying to remember it. Her brain was mush, nothing of importance stayed inside her head unless it was some fact associated with the killing.

Was she supposed to meet the doctor at five o’clock or was it six? She could call to confirm the time, but it was too much trouble. It would be easier to show up at five and wait the extra hour if she was wrong. At any rate, Dr. Aurelius’ waiting area was likely air-conditioned. At least she’d be comfortable in this sweltering heat.

Summer used to be her favorite season, but after the events of the previous year Katniss wished she could erase if permanently from her life. Last summer had started out good -- she’d gotten a job at the recreation center teaching swimming and archery, and helping out at the various day camps the center operated.

Even though she wasn’t a particularly sociable person, she’d become friendly with her co-workers. She’d even begun to date one, a tall, dark, and handsome guy named Gale.

But late one afternoon as she returned from teaching a class at the archery range, she stumbled upon a robbery. In shock, she’d witnessed a man point a gun at her co-worker Rue, who was standing behind the register at the front counter. After Rue handed over the contents of the register, he fired the gun and Rue crumpled.

Instinctively Katniss pulled an arrow from the quiver on her back and nocked it onto her bowstring. When the robber turned to leave, his eyes widened at the sight of her. He raised his weapon again, and without hesitation Katniss let the arrow fly.

The events afterward were a blur. The police questioned her; but her actions were called self-defense. She was deemed a hero by the press, but she didn’t feel like one.

Katniss returned to college in the fall, hoping to put the incident behind her, but ended up dropping out mid-semester because she couldn’t concentrate. She’d lost a good friend in Rue, and a budding relationship with Gale because he couldn’t understand why she was so angry and depressed.

Katniss retreated to her bed. But her mother, a widowed nurse who was familiar with the toll depression could incur, was unwilling to let her only child become housebound.

She dragged Katniss to a variety of doctors and therapists. Some had given her medications to deal with the emotions she couldn’t face. While the pills helped a little, after a time Katniss stopped taking them because she didn’t like the side effects.

Her most recent therapist, who had the nerve to tell her that she was beyond his professional abilities, had recommended Dr. Aurelius. However, Katniss was tired of the merry-go-around she was on. If she didn’t feel better soon, she was going to take care of things herself. 

She couldn’t live any more with the mental turmoil that consumed her. She couldn’t go more than five minutes without replaying that awful moment.

The doctor’s office was on the ground floor. At 4:55 p.m., Katniss opened the door cautiously, her eyes taking in the waiting area. A couple of chairs and a love seat surrounded a coffee table on which dozens of magazines were heaped.

She’d hoped the room was empty -- that would mean that her appointment was at five – but a stocky, blond-haired guy that looked to be her own age, sat on the couch, thumbing idly through a cooking magazine.

Scowling, she entered and sat on the chair across from him. Her appointment must be at six. Now she’d have to wait an hour. But perhaps she was wrong. Maybe he was waiting for the person that was presently with the doctor.

He lifted his head to look at her. His blue eyes caught hers and a warm smile appeared on his face. “Hi,” he greeted her.

Katniss nodded at him and reached for a magazine, eager to avoid any conversation. She opened the cover of the glossy publication that featured an attractive couple lounging on deck chairs on a sandy beach. She glowered as she flipped through pages that featured perfect people with perfect lives and big fat wallets.

_Who the hell would aspire to this trivial life?_

It flashed through her mind that only a year ago, she had similar aspirations.

The door opened and a middle-aged woman with straight gray hair and tears in her eyes came out, followed by a tall man with glasses.

“See you next week, Alma,” the man said as the woman headed toward the door. 

The man, who must be Dr. Aurelius, looked to the guy on the love seat. “Good to see you Peeta. You can come in now.” 

Dr. Aurelius gave Katniss a curious glance.

Flustered, she tossed the magazine onto the table. “I’m your 6 p.m. appointment. I got the time wrong.”

“I can wait until six if you want to see her first,” the guy on the sofa said. “I’ve got nothing better to do.”

Dr. Aurelius frowned. “No, I like to keep to my schedule. I’ll see you in an hour, my dear.”

The blond guy gave Katniss a sheepish smile before going into the doctor’s office. Dr. Aurelius shut the door firmly.

Katniss sighed _. Now I have an hour to kill. Well I’m not going to spend it reading magazines._

Getting up from the chair, she went over to the love seat and laid down on it, curling her knees up into her chest. She closed her eyes and fell asleep.

When she woke up, she was clammy, her face and body drenched with sweat. Dr. Aurelius stood over her and behind him was the five o’clock patient.

“Are you all right?” the doctor asked. “You were screaming out here.” 

Katniss righted herself to a seated position. “I had a nightmare.”

“I get those too,” the blond guy blurted out.

“See you next week, Peeta,” the doctor said, dismissing him.

“Let’s go into my office to talk.” 

Repeating her story yet again to Dr. Aurelius took up almost all of Katniss’ allotted time. A sinking feeling came over her. This fool couldn’t help. In fact, he appeared to be sleeping.

When she finished speaking, his eyes opened. She looked to him hoping for some sage wisdom. But the doctor rubbed his hand on his chin, like he was quelling an itch.

“I don’t know what to do, how to get past this,” Katniss said. 

“It’s simple. Chop wood. Carry water. I can see you next week at the same time.”

A rush of anger came over her.

_What the hell? Chop wood. Carry water._ _What does that even mean?_

Without saying a word, she got up and left his office.

_I’m never going back there. I might as well go home and plan my suicide._

The muggy air hit her as soon as she left the building. Sweat trickled down her face. She walked toward the bus stop. 

_Damn it’s hot._

Ahead of her stood Starbucks. Katniss didn’t have any extra money besides her bus fare, but maybe she could get a cup of cold water inside. Cool air enveloped her as she entered.

She looked toward the counter, taking in the familiar configuration that was at the heart of all of her nightmares-- a teenaged girl standing behind a cash register.

Panic came over her, and bile rose in her throat. “Oh no,” Katniss gasped. She turned and ran from the coffee shop. She stood, bent over the planting bed dry heaving when a hand lightly touched her shoulder.

“No,” she screamed turning to face the stranger and pummel him. When she looked up from the broad chest she’d struck it was into the blue eyes of the guy from Dr. Aurelius’ office.

_Peter, no Peeta, what the hell was his name?_

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Katniss took a step backwards, into the planting bed, crushing a yellow dandelion beneath her foot. “No, I’m not.”

He nodded solemnly. “Was that your first visit to Dr. Aurelius?”

It was none of his business, but she couldn’t help but answer. “Yes.”

His face was grim. “It can be a bit overwhelming confessing to your crime.”

_Crime? How does he know?_

“Are you thirsty?”

She wiped the sweat from her face with her hand. “Yeah.”

“Let’s get you something then.” He pointed toward the door. 

Katniss bit her lip. She didn’t want to go back inside and relive the flashback yet again, but maybe it would be easier with someone by her side. 

“Okay. I’ll allow it.”

A laughing smile came to his lips. “Excellent.”

She followed him back inside and up to the counter.

“What would you like?”

“Tap water. I don’t have any…”

“My treat,” he interrupted. “How about ice tea?”

She frowned. The last thing she wanted to do was to accept a drink from him. Wouldn’t that mean she’d have to sit and talk with him while she drank it?

“One venti ice tea,” he told the cashier. 

Wasn’t _venti_ , a large? Now she’d have to sit with him even longer.

“Aren’t you getting something?” she asked, when he pulled out his wallet to pay.

“I already had a cold drink.”

Once she got her ice tea, he guided her to a table by the window. As soon as she sat down, she watched her bus go past.

_Oh, no. Now I’ll have to wait thirty minutes for the next one. What are we going to talk about?_

“I guess I should introduce myself. I’m Peeta.”

Katniss took a sip from the straw.

_So it_ is _Peeta. Weird name._

He looked at her expectantly and she realized the polite thing to do would be to tell him her name.

“I’m Katniss.”

“What an interesting name. I think you’re the first Katniss I ever met.” 

_How am I going to get through this conversation?_

“Are you having trouble sleeping?”

Katniss nodded.

“I have the same problem.” 

He fell silent and Katniss wondered why he was seeing Dr. Aurelius. Girlfriend dumped him? Got cut from a sports team? Flunked a class? Lost a job? 

_Likely something insignificant. Nothing like what’s happened to me._

“Are you going to the camp out?” Peeta asked. “I’ve never been camping. Personally, I’m kind of nervous.”

Katniss eyes narrowed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

A hint of color appeared on Peeta’s cheeks. He licked his lips.

“Sorry, I thought that’s why you were seeing Dr. Aurelius. The camping weekend is a big part of his therapy program.”

Katniss shook her head in confusion.

Peeta’s voice sounded nervous as he explained. “Every couple of months, the doctor takes a few patients on a camp out over a weekend. It’s a kind of group therapy session.”

Katniss shook her head. “He didn’t mention it.”

_Not that I want to go camping with a bunch of strangers upset over some bump in their stupid lives._

When she was younger, Katniss had gone camping with her parents every summer, usually at a state or national park. But she hadn’t set foot in the woods ever since her Dad had died ten years earlier. Funnily enough, Gale had talked about the two of them possibly going camping together. Not that her mother would have approved of her traipsing off to the woods with some guy she’d just begun to date.

“Maybe Dr. Aurelius will invite you to go on his next one.”

_Like I intend to stick around so I can go on some dumb camp out._

“I still have to get a sleeping bag. There won’t be any tents. We’re sleeping under the stars.”

Katniss put a fixed smile on her face and nodded at Peeta’s rambling, but while her body was physically in a chair at Starbucks, her mind had drifted away to a memory of her father showing her how to build a campfire. For a moment she could even smell the scent of burning wood.

“Would you be interested in going, Katniss?”

She blinked a few times and stared at Peeta’s expectant face.

“What?”

“You should ask Dr. Aurelius about it. It’s supposed to be an excellent way to jump start healing.”

_I’ll never be healed. I watched my co-worker die in front of me. I took her killer’s life._ _No one can understand how I feel._

The echo of voices floated through her head – her mother, her other co-workers, the police.

“It was self-defense,” Gale had yelled at her when they broke up. “If you hadn’t shot him with your bow, you’d be dead, too.”

_It would be better if I were dead._

“Have you ever been camping?” Peeta asked.

She nodded, too tired to talk about it.

“Good. Maybe you can help, then. The doctor gave me a list of what to pack.” He pulled a folded paper from his pocket and opened it, smoothing it out on the table, before passing it over to her.

“Can you suggest anything else?”

Katniss picked up the list of supplies, and glanced over it. It was all standard stuff.

She set it down on the table and shoved it toward Peeta. “Nope. It looks good.”

“Thanks.” Peeta picked up the list and folded it up, shoving it into his back pant’s pocket.

“It probably sounds strange but even planning for this trip has caused me to stop obsessing about the other stuff a little.”

_Really?_

She wanted to slap his face hard.

_What does he know about personal suffering?_

Katniss stood up suddenly. “Thanks for the tea, but I have to go. I don’t want to miss my bus.”

She had plenty of time to wait, twenty minutes at least, but she couldn’t sit with Peeta any longer. Couldn’t listen to him babble on about how a camping trip would fix his life and make everything hunky dory.

_It will never be good again._

xxxxxxxxxxxx 

Katniss’ mother turned on the overhead light in the bedroom. “How’d your session go?” 

Blinded by the brightness, Katniss blinked several times before looking to the bedside table. The clock read midnight. Her mother must have just gotten home from work.

“That doctor is terrible. His eyes were closed the entire time I was talking. I’m not going back.”

Her mother cleared her throat. “You have to, honey.” Her voice was weary.

A momentary detachment came over Katniss, and she saw herself through her mother’s eyes.

_What am I going to do with my daughter who has made a nest from grief and depression, and refuses to leave it?  
_

Katniss mentally responded to her mother’s imagined plea. _Let me go._

Turning her back on her mother, Katniss pulled the blanket over her head. She wished she could fall asleep -- that remedy had worked for months -- but she wasn’t tired tonight.

_It must have been that damn ice tea._

Her mind flew back to Peeta. _What_ is _his problem? Why is_ he _even in counseling?_

Idly she wondered how Peeta and the doctor’s other patients would fare in their “so-called” camp out.

For a second she considered the foolish mistakes they’d probably make. It might be petty, but the thought brought a smile to her face, the first in a long while. Eventually she fell asleep.

xxxxxxxxx

The week passed surprisingly quickly, which was unusual because staring off into space usually made time drag. Although Katniss had no intentions to see Dr. Aurelius again, her mother insisted upon it. “If you want to continue to live in this house, you need to work toward getting better.”

Katniss made sure that she didn’t arrive early again, so she wouldn’t have to see Peeta. She opened the door to the waiting room at 6:01 p.m. and watched as a fierce-looking woman exited the doctor’s office. For some reason, a momentary disappointment coursed through Katniss that it _wasn’t_ Peeta.

She pushed the feeling aside as the woman, with spiky hair, a nose ring, and a large tattoo of an axe on her forearm threw her a dark look. 

_What’s_ her _problem? Probably lost her job due to scaring the customers._

Katniss gave the woman a scowl, following Dr. Aurelius into his office for her second session. 

After his first comment she was convinced he’d completely forgotten everything she told him the previous week. He’d asked, “What do you like to do for fun?” 

Her eyes grew big and she couldn’t talk for a moment so stunned at his words. 

_Fun? I don’t deserve to have fun. I killed someone._

He stared at her so intently that it made her uncomfortable. She blurt out, “Nothing.”

The doctor snorted. “I’m sure you had interests at one time.”

After an awkward silence, she mumbled. “Sports, I guess. I was on a couple of teams in high school – the track team, the swim team, and I was captain of the archery team. My dad taught me how to use the bow. He used to carve bows for collectors as a side business.”

“Did he make the bow you used...”

So maybe Dr. Aurelius had paid some attention to her last week.

“The police kept it. Not that I wanted it back anyway.”

_Not when my most prized possession has become a murder weapon._

“I don’t think I’ll ever hold a bow again.”

“That’s a shame.”

Katniss’ head snapped as she turned to look at the doctor.

“Why would you think I’d want to shoot again? It would only cause flashbacks.” 

“I thought you were already having flashbacks anyway.” 

His comment was perplexing because it caused her to veer off the narrow path she’d been on for the past eleven months. What difference did it make whether or not she ever practiced archery again? She was reliving the event every day of her life already.

The doctor rubbed at his eyes. “How do you envision your life continuing?”

_I don’t._

But she was smart enough to keep her mouth shut about _that_. It would only land her in a psych ward somewhere, drugged up and existing in a twilight haze.

Instead, Katniss mumbled, “I don’t know.”

The entire session was like that – the doctor asking her inane questions and Katniss trying to come up with some kind of answer.

Katniss wanted to lash out at someone when she walked out the door. She almost wished Peeta was waiting at Starbucks for her so she could yell at him. But it would be like fighting with a puppy. He could never understand what she’d gone through. The pain she suffered. No one could.

Instead she got onto the bus and glared at all the passengers as she took her seat.

_This is it; I’m not going back._

But later that night while her mother slept, Katniss woke up suddenly, thinking about archery. There was only one bow left in the house – the one her father used. The memory of the way the polished wood felt beneath her hands caused her to get out of bed in search of it. 

_Where does Mom keep it?_

Katniss found it on a top shelf in the entryway closet. Pulling it down she sat in the dark on the living room floor and ran her hands along the curve of the wood.

Memories of her father flooded her thoughts. What would her dad have made of everything that had happened to her? It was almost as if she could hear his voice telling her that everything would be okay.

Tears slid down her face and she lay down on the carpet and clutched the bow to her chest, and drifted off to sleep.

xxxxxxx

Thankfully, her mother didn’t ask her why she was sleeping on the living room floor clutching her father’s bow.

However, a couple of days later, her mother came to her with a request. “Dr. Aurelius called. He’s taking some of his patients camping this weekend.”

Katniss’ throat tightened. _Why is she telling me this?_

“Apparently there’s been a cancellation. He’s got an open slot and he thinks you’d be a good candidate to attend.”

Katniss’ face grew red. “I’m not going.”

“I already told him you would.”

Her eyes blazed. “What?”

“You’ve always liked the outdoors. Nature can be a great healer.” 

“You don’t understand. I just can’t do it. It will be too painful.”

Her mother sighed. “I’m sure it will hurt, but you’ve got to keep moving if you want to get better. You’ve been lying around the house for almost a year. It’s time to dip your toe back into the river of life. This could be the start. Please do it or I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

With her mother’s unmentioned threat hanging over her, Katniss gave in. Not to please her mother but because it gave her an idea. The woods had once been her savior. If her last vision of the world was the view she saw of the blue sky filtered through the branches of a tree. Well, that wouldn’t be a bad view to see… in a way it was kind of poetic.

Idly she wondered if Peeta had been the person who had cancelled. He’d been as giddy as a boy scout when he was talking about the trip, but he wasn’t at the doctor’s office last week -- maybe he’d convinced himself that it was too much.

Katniss left a good-bye letter for her mother underneath her clothes in one of her dresser drawers. It was easy to write. She’d been mentally writing it for months already.

She packed a bottle of pills – the ones she’d stopped taking -- and a small knife. She didn’t know exactly how she would do it, but she’d figure something out while she was there.

 


	2. Chapter 2

_Everyone has problems; learning to share them is essential. Hiding pain requires an enormous amount of energy; sharing it is liberating. – Carly Simon_

 

 

 

The patients were instructed to gather in the parking lot next to the doctor’s office building.

“You don’t need to stay,” Katniss said to her mother as they sat in the car together. Everything she wanted to say was in the letter. It would be easier if her mother would leave now.

“I want to make sure you get in that van. I’ll wait in the car.”

_Why do you have to make everything so difficult?_

“Okay, then.” Irritated, Katniss exited the car, and removed her sleeping bag and backpack from the trunk.

As she set off for the large, blue passenger van that the other campers were gathered beside, her mother called out. “Have a good weekend, honey.”

Tears came to Katniss’ eyes, but she angrily wiped them away, not turning to look back.

A motley group stood in front of her – a tired looking, thirty-something-year-old woman surrounded by three young kids, an intense-looking man in his late forties wearing glasses, a pot-bellied man with salt and pepper hair, and the spiky-haired woman with the axe tattoo.

Unexpected disappointment coursed through Katniss when she didn’t see Peeta – at least she _sort of_ knew him – she didn’t know these other people and they were _old_ , and she already disliked the tattooed woman who looked so angry.

_It doesn’t matter. You’re not here to make friends._

She stood at the outer edge, not joining in. 

A handsome man with copper hair and the face of a movie star approached her. He glanced at his clipboard. “You must be Katniss.” 

She nodded.

“I’m Finnick. You can put your sleeping bag in the back of the van. We’re waiting for one more person; then we’ll go.”

She walked to the back of the open van freezing in place as the sound of brakes shrieked and a car flew into the parking lot traveling too fast, aiming straight for them.

Katniss heart skipped a beat – _he’s going to hit us_ \-- before the tires squealed and the car came to a dead stop.

The pot-bellied man walked over to the driver’s open window. “What the hell is wrong with you, kid? Are you trying to kill everyone?” 

The blond man laughed uproariously. 

Katniss mouth dropped open as she caught sight of the man behind the wheel.

_Is that Peeta?_

But it wasn’t him, the driver’s face was much narrower than Peeta’s and his nose had a different shape, but he looked like he could be a close relative.

Meanwhile, the front passenger door opened, and Peeta stepped out. He opened up the door behind him and pulled out a sleeping bag and backpack. His gear was so clean that it appeared as if he’d cut the price tags off of everything only a couple of minutes earlier. 

Even his clothing looked new, including his pristine hiking boots. 

Katniss bit her lip to avoid grinning. _He’s gonna have huge blisters at the end of the weekend._

Finnick walked over to him. “Are you Peeta?” 

“I am.” 

“Good, good.” Finnick turned to face the group. “Okay, we need to talk before we set off.”

Everyone crowded together. Peeta nodded to Katniss and smiled. Her eyes flitted away from him. 

_I should never have let him buy me that ice tea.  
_

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” Finnick announced. “I’ll start with the bad. Dr. Aurelius has the flu. He won’t be able to join us. Now for the good news: he asked me to step in. I’m his colleague, Dr. Finnick Odair, and I’ll be running the program this weekend.” 

The expressions on the faces around her dropped. Even Katniss was confused. 

_What the hell? This guy has never even met me._

“Has Dr. Aurelius told you stuff about us?” the tattooed woman asked. “Because if he did that’s a clear violation of doctor/patient confidentiality.”

Finnick shook his head. “That’s the beauty of it, Johanna. I don’t know a thing about any of you, other than the fact that you all sought help from Dr. Aurelius for a problem of some kind in which you’ve found yourself stuck. But speaking as a professional, I can say with confidence that no matter what ails you, the work we do together this weekend will be a jump start to helping you move forward.

“Now we should probably hit the road, we’ve got a two-hour drive ahead of us.”

The back of the van was filled with sleeping bags, an ice chest, bottled water, and boxes of food, so everyone had to take their backpacks inside the van and position them at their feet.

Katniss found herself seated behind Finnick, who was driving, and next to the mother of three who introduced herself as Cecelia. Johanna sat on the other side of Cecelia.

Peeta was on the bench seat behind Katniss, next to the pot-bellied man whose name was Haymitch. Riding shotgun was Beetee who monopolized the conversation for a good portion of the drive. From his words, Katniss deduced he was some kind of inventor.

Katniss stared out the window pondering how she could get away from everyone. It shouldn’t be too hard; the group wasn’t a cohesive unit at all. Likely no one would notice she was missing, well except Peeta.

_I’ll steer clear of him._

Cecelia seemed the least threatening. _Maybe I’ll hang out with her._

Eventually she leaned her head against the window and fell asleep. 

Katniss woke to Johanna shaking her shoulder. “Move your ass, sleeping beauty, we’re here. You need to help us unload this van.”

Katniss threw the woman a black look.

_Why does she hate me; she doesn’t even know me?_

Katniss picked up her backpack and exited the van, which was parked on the shoulder of a dirt road. Next to it was a flat area with a fire pit. Beyond it to the right, was a rocky area that bordered a rushing river. A few spindly trees lined its bank.

To the left was a lone porta-potty placed at the edge of what appeared to be a field of knee-high, grass, some of it blooming with pretty yellow flowers. Posts lined the field, and a chain was strung across some of the posts as if to keep people from venturing into it.

“What the hell is this place,” Haymitch asked. “It’s not a campground.” 

“You’re right,” Finnick said. “It’s private land owned by a former patient of the doctor’s.”

“You know they used to dig for silver around this part of the state,” Haymitch said. “I wonder if there are any old mine shafts around here.”

“I don’t know anything about that,” Finnick said, “but I expect they’d be clearly marked if there were.”

The sleeping bags and backpacks, along with the food and water were piled in the flat area.

“I’ll give you all a few minutes to stretch before we get started on our first activity,” Finnick said. “But first I need to use the facilities.” He grabbed a roll of toilet paper and a bottle of hand sanitizer from one of the boxes, and headed toward the outhouse.

_How am I going to slip away? There’s nowhere to hide._

Johanna pulled a phone from the pocket of her cargo pants. She played with the screen for a moment, before lashing out, “Damn it. There’s no reception. Anyone know how to hotwire that van?” 

She looked to Peeta. “How about you cutie?”

Katniss scowled, as Peeta shook his head.

_Why did Johanna even agree to come?  
_

“I could do it,” Beetee admitted. “But I have no desire to give up without even getting started. I came this weekend to get better.” _  
_

Finnick returned. “Last chance to use the restroom before we get started.” 

Cecelia and Haymitch trudged off in the direction of the porta-potty. 

Once they returned, Finnick passed out a clear, plastic cup to everyone. “Fill this with water from the river.”

The sound of the rushing water got louder as the campers maneuvered their way carefully around the large rocks between them and the river.

“Do you expect us to drink this?” Johanna shouted above the noise. 

Finnick grinned. “No. This water’s not for drinking.”

Katniss dipped both hands in the water and rubbed her face to cool off, before filling her cup. It was getting warm already.

The thought ran through her mind that she should have put on sunscreen before she left home, until she remembered that she planned to kill herself this weekend.

_What does it matter if I have a sunburn when I die?_

“Sit in a circle,” Finnick instructed when they returned to the flat area. He dropped to the ground and sat cross-legged. They formed a loose circle around the unlit fire pit. It reminded Katniss of kindergarten, and her teacher Mrs. Collins who used to read stories to the class.

_I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher just like her._

Once they were settled, Finnick spoke. “Now I’d like everyone to say a few words over their cup of water. What brought you to Dr. Aurelius?” 

“Isn’t that a violation of medical privacy laws?” Johanna sounded irritated.

“If you read the fine print on the waiver you signed to go on this trip, you know that you agreed to group counseling. But if anyone wants to remain silent, it’s fine by me. But you’ll get more out of this exercise if you share.”

“I’ll go first,” Cecelia volunteered.

Katniss turned her head to study the quiet woman, who’d hugged and kissed her children several times, before turning them over to a man that was likely their father. Why was she here? 

_There’s a sadness around her eyes. Post partum depression?_

Her voice was soft and Katniss strained to hear the words. “I backed over my neighbor’s child with my car.”

Cecelia’s words struck Katniss with such force that it was as if she’d been punched in the stomach.

_That can’t be possible. Did I hear her wrong?_

“I didn’t know she was behind me.” Cecelia’s composure broke, and she wept softly. “I’m a nurse; I’m supposed to save lives not take one.”

Peeta was sitting closest to Cecelia; he rolled onto his knees to move himself even closer. He leaned forward to gently rest his hand on her back. 

She remembered he’d done the same for her when she’d panicked at Starbucks. 

Katniss’ eyes flew around the circle to gauge the reactions of the others. Everyone was there for a reason, but surely Cecelia’s story was one of the worst Katniss had ever heard.

_It rivals my own. I think it might even be worse, if that can be possible._

“I wish I had died,” Cecelia murmured. 

A shiver went down Katniss’ back, and she put her hand over her mouth to stop herself from gasping out loud in recognition of their shared pain. _Me too._

“I think about dying all the time. If it weren’t for my children and my husband….”

The group was silent for a couple of minutes before Finnick spoke. “Thank you for sharing Cecelia. Who would like to go next?”

After a long pause, Haymitch cleared his throat. “Seems like we have something in common. I struck a bicyclist on a foggy night as I was driving home from an AA meeting. Go figure, I drove drunk all the time and nary an accident, and then I get sober and kill a guy. And I’m a fireman. Like you, I’m used to saving lives, not taking them.”

Katniss’ eyes grew big as she looked around the circle. _Are they all killers, too? Even Peeta?_

Beetee spoke next. “I’m an electrician. Been doing it for all my life. Last year, while training an apprentice, I screwed up big time. Guess I was daydreaming I didn’t pay attention to what that kid was doing when he put two wires together that should never have touched each other. So yeah, I’m responsible for someone losing their life as well.”

Katniss’ throat tightened. _Why did I agree to go on this weekend?_

Johanna snorted. Her eyes had a crazy look as she spoke. “You’re all upset about killing a stranger? Hell, I knocked off my own husband when I was chopping wood. The axe head flew off the handle and hit him square in the chest.”

Katniss’ eyes flew to Johanna’s arm, with her prominent tattoo of an axe. Had Johanna marked her body to be a constant reminder of what had occurred? 

Peeta deliberately caught Katniss’ eye. Other than her, he was the only one who hadn’t spoke. He gave her a nod to indicate he’d go next. 

“I was decorating a cake in the back of my family’s bakery when I heard a shout and a scuffle. I picked up a knife and came to the front to find my dad wrestling with someone. The man had a gun. He shot my dad in the chest, and I used the knife…” His voice faltered. 

_Just like me, he acted automatically and now has to live with the consequences._

All eyes flew to Katniss.

She focused on the water in the cup in front of her, never lifting her head.

“I stumbled into a botched robbery, too, and watched my co-worker get shot. When he pointed the gun at me, I shot him with my bow and arrow.” 

“You just carry one around with you regularly,” Johanna chortled.

Katniss’ face burned.

“Johanna.” Finnick’s voice sounded a warning.

“I’d just come from teaching an archery class,” Katniss mumbled.

The group fell silent.

The words Peeta had spoke when she’d first met him, “It’s not easy confessing to your crimes,” ran through her thoughts. Did Dr. Aurelius specialize in working with people who had taken the lives of others whether by accident or in self-defense?

“Close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing,” Finnick suggested.

Katniss was eager to shut out the world and forget everything she’d just heard. The stories the others had shared were too awful to contemplate. It made it easy to concentrate on Finnick’s low and melodious voice.

“Let yourself relax. Peace is all around you. Listen to the sound of your breathing, the chirping of the birds, the rushing of the river. Feel the warmth of the sun. Rest your hands on the ground. Feel how solid it is. You’re surrounded by the resources of the Universe and by people who carry the same burdens as you. Let yourself relax and feel the peace.”

_Is he hypnotizing us?_

A high-pitched giggle startled Katniss from the restful state in which she’d found herself. Her eyes flew open. Tears were running down Johanna’s contorted face.

Katniss shut her eyes again, but even though she tried to concentrate, she couldn’t fall back into a contemplative state.

After a long silence, Finnick told them to open their eyes. “You’re probably wondering what we’re doing with the water.”

The cup in front of Katniss was clear, but light sediment lay on the bottom. 

“Pick up a pinch of soil from the ground, drop it into your cup and then move your cup side to side gently,” Finnick said. “Let the water swirl around the cup.” 

Katniss dropped some dirt into the clear water, and put her hands around the cup to jiggle it. The sediment from the bottom rose up and mixed with the dirt she dropped into the cup. The liquid turned dark. 

“When it gets cloudy set it down in front of you.”

Soon all the cups were back in place on the ground.

“The water represents your life. You’ve gone through an event that has shaken you to the core. You don’t know who you are anymore.

“But if we sit here long enough and watch, the water will eventually clear. All of the soil will settle again at the bottom. If you keep working toward healing, your life will settle, too. I’m not saying it will return to the way it once was – it can’t because you’re a different person now. But things _will improve_. Life can be good again.”

Johanna smirked. “Easy enough for you to say.”

“I haven’t gone through what any of you have, but this isn’t a competition as to who’s experienced the worst tragedy,” Finnick said. “Every single problem, every tragedy _you_ experience _is the worst_ , because _it’s yours_.

He pointed toward the river. “In literature, water has always been a symbol for life. See that river. It’s moving all the time; it’s not stagnant. That’s how life it. Always changing. You _can_ move forward.”

Finnick looked around the circle. “This weekend you’ll be doing more mindfulness exercises, getting some physical exercise, and most importantly doing a lot of talking with your fellow campers who will probably help you more than me.

“You’re not going to be back to _normal_ after this weekend because your former _normal_ doesn’t exist, but you’ll have some tools you can use to help you function better in the future. And it should be very obvious to you already that _you’re not alone_. For many people, that fact is the single greatest help in processing their pain.”

He smiled. “Now everyone needs to spit in their cup of water.”

_What?_

Finnick picked up the cup in front of him and spit into it. “Now we’ll toss the contents of the cup back into the stream.” He stood up.

Johanna frowned. “That’s gross.”

Around the circle, the others were lifting the cups to their lips and spitting. Feeling like an idiot Katniss joined in.

Everyone got up and walked back to the flowing water.

“You’re adding a piece of yourselves to the river now, symbolically making a conscious decision to rejoin the world of the living,” Finnick said.” 

“You mean we’re adding our germy spit to pollute the water,” Johanna said.

“I don’t think a little saliva will do much to harm the water quality, sweetheart,” Haymitch joked. “The fish use it for a toilet, after all.” 

Johanna sidled up to Haymitch and nudged his shoulder. “Are you flirting with me, old man? After I just confessed to offing my husband?”

Katniss’ eyes grew big at Johanna’s black humor; but Haymitch only chuckled.

Finnick poured his cup into the river. The others followed.

“I feel so much better,” Johanna sighed, holding up her empty cup. “Thank you, Dr. Odair. I think you’ve made me well now.”

Finnick shook his head. “I can see you’re a tough sell, Johanna. But maybe it’s because you’re hungry. How about we open up those boxes and get something to eat?” 

They followed Finnick back to the campsite. He pulled out paper plates, plastic knives, a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter, along with a sack of apples and a sack of homemade cookies. They settled on the ground to eat.

“I hope you’ve got more than peanut butter for dinner,” Haymitch said. “I wasn’t planning to lose weight this weekend, too.”

Finnick grinned. “Dinner is much better. There’s steak in the ice chest.”

“Yum oh yum,” Johanna said.

_Why doesn’t she let up? I don’t think I can stand an entire weekend with her.  
_

Katniss threw the woman a dark look, but then she remembered the reason she’d agreed to come.

_You’re going to kill yourself._

But she wasn’t ready to end it _at this very moment_. While the sharing by the other campers had been shocking, even gruesome to listen to, in a weird way it _had_ soothed Katniss because even though her life was so different from theirs, _they understood.  
_

_I’m not alone._

And the short meditation -- at least before Johanna had shrieked and ruined it-- _was_ calming. A tiny part of Katniss was curious about what else they’d be doing this weekend. 

Still Katniss remembered the note she’d left for her mother. She’d meant business when she wrote it.

_How can a weekend with strangers change anything? I need to get away from the group._

Finnick’s next activity made it easy. They were going for a hike. 

_I’ll slip away then._

They headed down the dirt road. About a quarter-mile into their walk, they crossed over a narrow, wooden bridge that spanned the river. 

Katniss eyed the surroundings carefully as she walked, searching for someplace to hide. But the landscape was more rocks than trees or foliage. Even if she took off, she would get very far without someone seeing her.

She got her chance when they came upon a patch of dandelion puff-balls, growing along the side of the road. Finnick halted the group and began talking about the significance of the dandelion. 

“People think of them as weeds. But did you know that they’re able to grow anywhere? Dandelions are considered symbols for the healing of emotional and physical pain and surviving challenges and difficulties. I think all of us remember blowing on them when we were kids and making a wish. Why don’t each of you pick one, blow on it and make a wish now.” 

“I wish I never came here,” Johanna broke in.

As Finnick spoke with Johanna, and the others drew in closer to listen, Katniss took a step back and then turned, making her way to the wooden bridge they’d already crossed.

_I’ll hide underneath it._

xxxxxxxx

She sat under the wooden trestle, nestled in a tiny, sandy spot near to a large boulder. Her heart pounded.

But as Katniss’ body grew calmer, she had no idea what to do next. Jump in the river and drown herself? She’d left the pills and the knife in her backpack at the campsite.

A new thought entered her mind _. Why not enjoy myself, instead._

The roar of the river and the glint of sunlight as it sparkled off the moving water was refreshing. A fish jumped out of the river in front of her and then fell back into it.

_This would be a good fishing spot._

She remembered a day she fished with her father in a lake. They’d caught three big trout. Her father had showed her how to clean the fish and her mother had fried up their catch in butter over an open fire.

_It was probably one of the best meals I’ve ever eaten._

Feeling relaxed, she leaned back against the boulder and closed her eyes, thinking to take a short nap – she hadn’t slept well the previous night -- when she was startled by a loud stomping noise on the bridge above her and then the sound of a body sliding down the river banks.

_What the hell is that? An injured animal?_

“Katniss, are you all right?”

She scowled as she caught sight of Peeta scrambling to his feet, his new shoes covered with dust. “What are you doing here?”

“I saw you leave, and Finnick suggested I find you and bring you back.”

_Has he made himself my personal bodyguard? I need to stop this fast._

“Why were you watching me?” She made herself sound curt, just like Johanna.

Hurt shone in Peeta’s eyes at the sharp tone in her voice, but he continued, “Of course I’d watch you. I guess I have an eye for beauty, and, well, you are a beautiful woman.” 

Her mouth flew open, and her cheeks burned.

_He’s hitting on me? Now?_

She studied his face to determine if he was joking, but he appeared serious. 

“Well, get out of my way so I can get out of here, then.” Katniss crawled out from underneath the trestle and stood up following Peeta up the rocky slope. They stood on the bridge, their arms resting on the guardrails as they pretended to study the water below. 

“Why did you take off like that, Katniss?”

_Like I’m going to tell you._

“Johanna. I can’t stand that woman.” 

Peeta chuckled. “She does like to argue. I think she enjoys getting people to react. But her story is heartrending.”

“All of our stories are. That doesn’t excuse her from being a bitch.”

“I’m sure we’ve all acted like that at one time or other.” 

Katniss bit down on her lower lip. Peeta was right, of course.

“Let’s catch back up with the others.”

Katniss shook her head. “Do we have to? I don’t mind missing out on the next exercise.”

Peeta’s eyebrows rose. “What? You didn’t like spitting in the cup?”

They both burst out laughing so hard, that Katniss was soon wiping a tear from her cheek.

“I can’t remember the last time I laughed like that,” Peeta said.

“Neither can I.”

Katniss gave Peeta a tiny smile, but frowned as his face lit up.

_I don’t need to encourage him._

“One of the doctors at the hospital told me that the act of smiling releases endorphins in your body. It doesn’t even matter if there’s any emotion behind the smile, just the act of your muscles going upward triggers it.” 

She knew it was a mistake to ask, but she couldn’t help herself. “Why were you in the hospital?” 

The question wiped the happy expression off Peeta’s face.

“After the robbery, I couldn’t cope. I tried to kill myself a couple of times. I ended up in a psych hospital for several months.” 

A morbid curiosity came over Katniss. She wanted to ask --what did you do -- but would that be too personal?

“You seem okay now.”

“It’s been a long haul. I was sixteen when the robbery occurred.”

_Sixteen?_ “How old are you now?”

“Twenty-one.” 

Katniss jaw dropped. “You’ve been dealing with this for five years?”

He nodded. 

“Does it get better?” 

“Finnick is right that life will never be the same again, but it does get better. I can remember the exact moment it occurred for me.”

Curious, she couldn’t help but ask. “What happened?” 

“I accepted that it really occurred. Then I stopped asking, _why_ and instead asked myself _now that it’s happened, what can I do_?”

“If you’re better then, why are you still in counseling? Why are you here this weekend? ”

“I see Dr. Aurelius for other reasons. And I’m here for the camp out.”

Katniss smirked. “Couldn’t you have found a better way to go camping? Maybe with people you actually know instead of this mismatched group.”

“We obviously travel in different circles. I don’t even know anyone who’s ever been camping before.”

“Your family never went?”

“Nah, the bakery only closed on Sunday afternoons. We never took vacations.”

“What do you do for fun then?”

_I sound like Dr. Aurelius._

“I’m an artist. I paint, but I sketch, too. I even brought a sketchbook with me, although I’m not sure how much time I’ll have to get to do that. It seems like Finnick has us on a tight schedule. Not much time to ourselves.”

_Yeah, no breaks so a person can kill herself._

“Well, you’ve broken free now. Why don’t you go back to camp and sketch?” 

“That sounds like a good idea. Will you join me?”

Katniss shook her head. “Nah, I think I’ll stay here and wait for the others to come back this way.” 

“Then I’ll wait with you.”

Katniss sighed. “All right then, I’ll go back with you.” 

They walked back to camp. Peeta opened his backpack and pulled out a sketchbook and pencil. 

“What are you going to draw?” Katniss asked, looking around the campsite. “There’s not much around here.”

_Only backpacks, sleeping bags, food, and water._

“Why don’t we check out that meadow?” Peeta suggested. “The flowers are pretty.” 

Katniss grabbed a water bottle and followed Peeta past the porta potty, stepping over a broken chain in the grass.

“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea,” Peeta said when they’d walked twenty yards. “I was thinking there was some place we could sit. But this grass is too high; besides maybe the chains mean we’re supposed to stay out of this area.” 

“We could go to the river,” Katniss suggested.

“I think you’re…”

Without warning, the ground beneath Katniss crumpled and she found herself sliding downward.


	3. Chapter 3

_If you’ve been thinking you’re all that you’ve got,_

_Then don’t feel alone anymore._

_When we’re together, then you’ve got a lot,_

_Cause I am the river and you are the shore._

_And it goes on and on, oh, watching the river run,_

_Further and further from things that we’ve done,_

_Leaving them one by one._

_And we have just begun watching the river run._

_Listening and learning and yearning._

_Run, river, run._

 

_– Watching The River Run by Jim Messina and Kenny Loggins_

 

 

 

 

 

Her heart caught in her throat and a panic came over her, and then a hard thump that caused her bones to ache as her body crashed into the soft earth. She blinked but there was darkness all around. Above her was light, but it seemed far away.

_Where am I?_

A terrible dread came over her, as she remembered Peeta.

_Is he injured? Is he dead?  
_

Before she could even speak though, his voice cut through the darkness, reassuring her that she wasn’t alone. 

“Katniss.” 

“I’m here.” 

“Where?”

She sat up, her muscles sore, and flailed her arms around frantically.

A hand struck gold, one of his shoes. She shook it.

“Oooh,” he shouted. “Please don’t. My leg hurts.”

She pulled her hand away. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s a flashlight on my phone,” he said. “Let me get it out of my pocket and turn it on.”

A few seconds later, there was light.

Peeta was leaning back on his arms, his clothes splattered with dust. His legs extended out before him, however one was twisted in an unnatural position.

_Oh, no._

“Are you in one piece?” he asked.

“My tailbone aches, but I think I’m all right.” She eyed his leg uneasily. “How about you?”

“I’ve been better.” He dismissed her concerns, and aimed the light around their surroundings. “Didn’t Haymitch say they used to mine around here? I think we’ve fallen into an old shaft. I guess those chains were strung up for a reason.”

_No one knows where we are. How are we going to get out of here?_

They appeared to be in a wide tunnel, but with only one light and Peeta injured, she couldn’t abandon him in the dark and go searching for an exit.

“I’m going to see if my phone works.” Peeta touched the screen. “Nope, it doesn’t.”

“Johanna said earlier that her phone didn’t work, either.”

Weird how even the sight of that loathsome woman would cheer Katniss up right now. Was she destined to die under the earth, buried alive?

_You came here to die_ , a voice in her head reminded. _Not like this,_ she told herself _. Besides Peeta wants to live._ “Do you think anyone will realize what happened to us?”

“Eventually.”

“Maybe we should yell for help.”

“Good idea, but I expect they’re still on their walk,” Peeta said. “We might want to wait a while until they return.”

“Do you still have your sketch book with you? Maybe you could tear out a page, write a note, wrap it around a rock or something, and toss it up through the hole.”

Peeta pointed the light around the ground. “It’s not here. I must have dropped it before I fell.”

“Maybe that’s good, though. It could be a clue to lead them to us.” 

“I’m going to turn off the light to conserve my phone battery. Is that okay with you, Katniss?”

“Yeah, fine.” 

A sense of dread came over her as the light around them faded. Her hand tightened around the water bottle, causing a crumpling sound. _  
_

“What’s that noise?” Peeta asked.

“The water bottle.” 

Around them a squeak sounded.

A sick feeling came over Katniss. “Do you think there are rats down here?”

“Wouldn’t surprise me.”

Although her muscles ached, she scooted closer to him, putting out her hand to rest on his arm.

At her touch, Peeta gave a low chuckle.

“What’s so funny?”

“The only way I got your attention was to fall into a hole in the ground and be surrounded by rats.”

Katniss’ cheeks burned. Maybe because she was in the dark and couldn’t see Peeta’s face that she found the boldness to ask, “Why are you interested in me? You’re good-looking, Peeta. You could get any girl you wanted.”

Peeta snorted loudly. 

“I don’t know about the good-looking part, but I can assure you that I haven’t had much luck with women. It probably doesn’t help that once one hears my story, she goes running for the hills. I’m twenty-one and I’ve never had a girlfriend.” 

Now it was her turn to snort. 

“You don’t have to believe me, Katniss, but it’s true. That’s one of the reasons I see Dr. Aurelius. I imagine you’re popular with the opposite sex, though.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Have you ever looked in a mirror? Your silvery eyes are stunning and your long, dark hair….” His voice trailed off.

They were both silent until another squeak sounded, causing Katniss to shiver. The temperature was much lower than on the surface. “Do you think they’re back from their walk yet? Maybe we should start yelling for help now.”

“Okay, let’s give it a try.” His voice boomed. “Someone help us, we fell into a hole.”

The sound bounced around the walls of the tunnel, but Katniss wondered if the noise had even traveled to the hole above them.

“You try it now,” Peeta suggested. “I’m thinking a higher pitched sound travels further.”

“I don’t know if that’s true.” Still, Katniss took a deep breath and screamed, “Help, help, help. We’ve fallen into a mine shaft,” as loudly as she could.

They took turns yelling for the next five minutes, but no one’s head appeared in the hole above them. 

“We should probably stop, or we’re going to lose our voices.” Peeta sounded hoarse already.

“Do you think rescue workers will be brought in if they can’t locate us?” Katniss asked.

“Probably. A dog could probably sniff out our location.”

A panicked though occurred to Katniss. “Do you think it will be plastered all over the news? I don’t want any publicity.”

“I don’t want any either.”

Katniss had been too upset to pay much attention to the media reports after she shot Rue’s killer with the arrow, but Gale had showed her an online story about the incident. Katniss had wanted to crawl under a rock after reading the comments from readers mocking her for using a bow. 

_Just like Johanna did._

After a long silence, she spoke again. “What if we sang? Sustained sound might carry better.” 

_Rescue Me_ sung by Aretha Franklin popped into her head.

 

_Rescue Me_

_Oh, take me in your arms_

_Rescue me_

_I want your tender charms_

_‘Coz I’m lonely and I’m blue_

_I need you and your love too_

A nervous giggle came to her lips _._

“What’s so funny?”

“Just considering what song to sing.”

“I don’t think it matters. We might as well sing, _Row, Row, Row Your Boat_. At least I know all the words to that one.”

“Okay then.” Katniss started.

 

_Row, row, row your boat,_

_Gently down the stream._

 

Peeta joined in, his voice slightly off-key.

 

_Merrily, merrily, merrily,_

_Life is but a dream._

They continued to repeat the verse over and over for several minutes. 

Peeta was the first to stop. Katniss sang it through one more time before giving up. 

“You have a beautiful voice,” Peeta said. 

“Thanks.” Katniss unscrewed the water bottle and took a small sip. “Do you want some water?” 

“No.”

As she swished the water around her mouth, she wondered how long they’d be stuck in this hole. Would they die of dehydration?

Peeta broke into her thoughts. “It’s weird, but I feel like I’m in one of my nightmares. But for some reason, I’m not afraid this time. Maybe its because you’re here too -- I’m not alone.

Katniss cleared her throat. “I’m gonna start singing again.”

But this time she didn’t sing _Row, Row, Row Your Boat_. Instead she sang an old lullaby her mother used to sing to her as a child. She hadn’t thought of it in years. It was a wonder she remembered all the words.

 

_Deep in the meadow, under the willow_

_A bed of grass, a soft green pillow_

_Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes_

_And when again they open, the sun will rise_

_Here it’s safe, here it’s warm_

_Here the daisies will guard you from every harm_

_Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true_

_Here is the place where I love you._

Katniss slurred the words at the end of the song. _No need for Peeta to get any ideas._

Peeta clapped his hands in approval when she finished. “I like that one. It’s calming.”

“My mom used to sing it to me at bedtime.” 

“Is she as good a singer as you?”

“No. Any talent I have came from my father. He had a beautiful tenor voice.”

“Had?”

“He died ten years ago.”

“I’m sorry.”

Memories of her childhood flooded Katniss’ thoughts. _I’ve had a pretty good life_. 

A chunk of earth fell down upon them, and Katniss quickly shut her eyes as dust billowed around the tunnel. 

Then Haymitch’s voice boomed from above. “You two okay down there?”

“Yes,” they yelled in unison. 

“Don’t worry. We’ll have you out in a jiffy.”

Conversation drifted down from the surface. 

“Are they all right?” Finnick asked.

“Seem to be,” Haymitch replied. “Step back though, the ground’s liable to collapse and send us into that pit, too.”

“I have a climbing harness under the front seat of the van, and some rope I was going to use for a group exercise,” Finnick said.

“I can rig up a lift or something,” Beetee said.

Johanna cackled. “I called it. I told you they wanted to be aloooone. I never would have guessed they’d go to these lengths, though.”

In that moment, Katniss was glad for the dark. 

“I guess we’ve been discovered,” Peeta said. But he didn’t sound enthusiastic.

While Katniss was happy to hear the others’ voices, a part of her was irritated at their interruption. Likely once they pulled Peeta and her out of this hole in the ground, they’d be separated because Peeta clearly needed medical attention.

_What if I never see him again?_

She wished the weekend had gone differently. 

_Maybe if I had given Finnick a chance, rejoined the group when Peeta suggested it, instead of encouraging him to break away with me…_

Katniss didn’t want to die anymore. She wasn’t sure exactly what she wanted – but she knew it wasn’t death. Not today at least.

_What I really want is to see the sky and take a long shower. Then eat dinner._

“Hang tight,” Haymitch shouted down to them. “We’re trying to put something together to pull you out.”

Peeta turned on his phone light. “It’s probably all right to keep it on since we’ll be out of here shortly.” He smiled at Katniss. “So you were talking about your singing.”

_How can he keep track of our conversation like that?_

“Do you come from a big family of singers?”

Katniss snorted. “Nope. I’m an only child. But I have a cousin who’s been as close as a sister to me. Her name’s Prim. She wants to be a doctor.”

_And I’ve hardly talked to her since last summer. I’ve chased her away completely because she’s the same age as Rue._

“What about you?”

“I have two older brothers,” Peeta said. “Phyl is married, has a couple of kids and lives out-of-state. I live with my middle brother, Rye. You might have caught sight of him this morning when he drove me to the parking lot.”

_The guy who almost skidded his car into the group?_

“There was a family resemblance.”

“We might look alike, but that’s where it ends. We’re nothing alike at all.”

“You’re a better driver, I take it?”

“Everyone’s a better driver. Rye is always getting tickets. But I don’t want to badmouth him too much because he’s been the only one to help me since the incident.”

“Your mom?”

Peeta’s face went dark. “She’s not in the picture. She collected my dad’s life insurance, sold off the bakery, and took off. I’ve been living with Rye ever since I got out of the mental hospital.”

“Hey you two,” Haymitch interrupted. “We’re going to throw down a climbing harness attached to a rope,” Haymitch called out. “One of you kids put it on and we’ll haul you up.”

“You go first,” Katniss said when the harness reached the ground, along with some clumps of grass.

“No way,” Peeta said. “Ladies first.”

“Not this time,” Katniss insisted. “You’re injured worse than me. I can help you put on the harness. But if I go up first, there won’t be anyone to help you.

Peeta frowned. “You’re right, I guess.” He shoved his phone into her hands. “Keep it. Otherwise you’ll be sitting here in the dark until they send the harness down for you.”

She set it onto the ground, before unbuckling the straps of the harness to study it. “I think this part goes around your legs and, ah, your butt, and this part around your chest.”

After some awkward touching of Peeta’s backside, Katniss clicked the buckle shut.

“Peeta’s buckled in now,” Katniss shouted upward. “You can lift him.”

Impulsively she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

Peeta’s eyebrows rose. “What was that for?”

“For being here to help me. This day could have turned out a lot worse than you know.” 

Peeta caught her eyes. “I _do know_ , Katniss. Promise me….”

But she didn’t hear what he said because he was already rising through the air.

Peeta groaned as he was pulled out through the opening.

Again the voices from above drifted downward.

“Your leg,” Johanna shrieked. “It’s all twisted.”

“You should have told us you were badly injured,” Haymitch said.

“He needs immediate medical attention,” Cecelia said.

Finnick shouted down to Katniss. “We’re calling for reinforcements. We’ll get you out as soon as we can.” 

Katniss clutched the phone to her chest and waited. The voices had drifted away from the hole and she wondered what was going on. Already she’d experienced more excitement than she had in nearly a year. Feeling exhausted, she turned off the light on the phone, put it in her back pants pocket and lay back in the dirt. Her eyes closed.

_Rats be damned._

She woke up to someone shaking her, and saying her name over and over.

_What?_

Her eyes flew open to see a man wearing a helmet with a light affixed to it.

“I’m Chief Boggs from Panem County Search and Rescue. I’m here to get you out. How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” Katniss said. “But you didn’t have to come down yourself. If you lowered the harness, I could have hooked myself up into it.” 

“Your friends have been calling down to you for quite a while, but you didn’t answer.”

“I must have fallen asleep.”

In a short time Katniss was strapped to the chief and lifted up from the pit. She blinked rapidly as the light of the setting sun assailed her. Once her eyes adjusted she was surprised to see all the rescue vehicles and workers who had come to help. 

_All these people came to help me?_

“Where’s Peeta,” she asked Finnick. The doctor’s eyebrow’s rose. “Didn’t you hear the chopper when it landed? Peeta was airlifted to the county trauma center.” 

“Will he be okay?”

“I’m sure they’ll take good care of him.” 

Katniss was moved to a gurney, a needle that was attached to a bag of fluids was placed in her arm, and she was taken to the hospital by ambulance.

At some point she fell asleep again, but when she awoke, she was in a hospital bed. Her mother sat in a chair beside her.

“You’re pretty banged up. The doctor is worried that you might have a concussion so he’s going to keep you a day or two for observation.” 

“What about Peeta?” 

Her mother frowned. “Is that the boy they pulled out before you?”

“Yes.”

“No one’s told me anything about him.”

Katniss spent the next day in the hospital taking medical tests. That evening the doctor gave her the `all clear’ to go home in the morning.

Her mother brought her clean clothing to wear. “I found a phone in the pocket of your pants. It’s not yours.”

“It’s Peeta’s. I need to return it to him”.

Katniss sat in a wheelchair as an aide pushed her downstairs to meet her mother who was waiting with the car. A voice called out to her near the exit. 

Katniss turned her head and a smile came to her face. “Do you work here, Cecelia?”

“I haven’t in a long while, but I’m hoping to start back soon. How are you doing?”

“I’m good. I’m sorry to have ruined the weekend for everyone.”

Cecelia shook her head. “You and Peeta didn’t ruin a thing. Helping rescue both of you was probably the most satisfying work any of us have done in a while. After the Search and Rescue people left, we voted as to whether we wanted to continue the camp out, or go home. It was unanimous that we stay.” She chuckled. “Even Johanna voted _yes_.”

“Did it help?”

Cecelia smiled. “Well, I’m headed to Human Resources to end my leave of absence and get back on the work schedule on a part-time basis. Haymitch said he going to find out how he could be a Search and Rescue volunteer, and Beetee was talking about redesigning those climbing harnesses.”

“What about Johanna?”

“She said she wanted to the hike the Appalachian Trail. You know, I think, it would do her some good.”

“Do you know what happened to Peeta?”

“Not specifically, but I know the chopper was headed to the trauma center. From the looks of his leg, he was going to need surgery.”

Even though she wasn’t surprised, still Katniss worried for him.

Cecelia rested her hand on Katniss’ arm. “Take care of yourself, sweetie. Remember your story isn’t over yet. Despite what happened, you can still have a good ending. And if you get another chance to go on the camp out, take it.”

As they parted, it dawned on Katniss that she hadn’t thought of the tragedy once in the past day and a half because she’d been thinking about the camp out, and falling into the mineshaft with Peeta, and getting rescued.

_Maybe I am getting a little better._

xxxxxxxxxx

“I’ve been waiting here a long time,” her mother said, when Katniss was finally in the passenger seat of her mother’s car. 

“I ran into one of the other campers while I was being wheeled out,” Katniss explained. “She was filling me in on what happened the rest of the weekend. She recommended I go again if I can.”

“I don’t think you should go back to see that doctor,” her mother said. “I can’t say I’m impressed with his therapeutic methods. You could have died on that trip, and not because you fell into a mineshaft. 

“I found the pills and the knife in your backpack, Katniss, and yesterday, I came across the letter in your dresser.” 

Katniss couldn’t bear to look at her mother. The tone in her voice was so sad. Instead Katniss looked out the window, focusing on a cheery yellow dandelion in the middle of an artfully-designed planter. She remembered that Finnick had said they could grow anywhere. 

“I’m sorry, Mom. But I couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t feel that way now.” 

Her mother reached for Katniss’ face and turned it toward her. “Oh, honey. I was almost there myself after your Dad died. But I hung in because of you. And things did get better. Promise that you’ll talk to me if you ever feel that way again. I can’t lose you, too.” 

_I don’t want to lose me either._

“I promise.”

It was nearly a month before Katniss was able to get an appointment to see Dr. Aurelius again. Apparently he’d been hit hard by the flu, and had even gotten pneumonia and spent some time in the hospital. In the meantime, she met up with her cousin Prim a few times, went to see a movie with her mother, and even registered for a class at the community college.

_It’s not much to show for my time, but at least it’s kept me out of bed._

Her first session back with the doctor was surprisingly helpful, likely because she _wanted_ to get better now, and stopped mentally critiquing his lack of words and instead asked him to explain himself when he did speak.

“On my first visit, you told me to _chop wood and carry water_. What does that mean?”

The doctor’s face lit up. Clearly he _liked_ being questioned.

“Live one day at a time. Focus on the tasks of that day only. Don’t allow your thoughts to run ahead to an unknown future, or to linger in a past that can’t be changed. If you go through the motions day-by-day, things will improve.

“And if I may add it, make a list everyday of the good things in your life. You’re lucky to be alive. We all are.”

As her visit came to a close, she asked him about Peeta. “I don’t even know his last name. Can you give me his address? I have his phone and I need to return it.”

The doctor shook his head. “I’m sorry but I can’t legally give out any information about him. If you want, you can give the phone to me, and I’ll find a way to get it back to him, although I’m not sure when that will be. I haven’t heard from Peeta since before the camp out.”

“I’d like to do it in person.”

“Then you might try calling one of his contact numbers, then. Maybe they could help get you in touch with him." 

Katniss hadn’t even turned the phone on. It had seemed wrong, like a violation of Peeta’s privacy. A part of her had been afraid that everything he’d said about not having a girlfriend was a lie. Maybe the phone was loaded with photos or information that would only lower her respect for him. 

“I guess I could do that.”

She tried to turn on the cell phone that evening. But the battery was dead. Fortunately, her mother’s charger was compatible.

When the phone was charged, Katniss turned it on and found his brother Rye in the contacts list. 

She typed out a short text. _I have your brother Peeta’s phone. I’d like to return it. – Katniss Everdeen_

Rye didn’t respond and after twenty minutes of staring at the screen, Katniss turned it off, and set it on the bedside table.

In the middle of the night, Katniss woke up suddenly thinking about the phone. She turned it on to find a message on the screen.

_He was just released from the rehab center today. You can drop it off at 1212 Mockingjay Lane._

xxxxxxx 

She took two buses. It started to rain as she walked the half-mile to Peeta’s residence. 

She stood in front of a dilapidated old house with a wraparound porch. A set of wide stairs led to the front door. A thick, white sweatshirt lay on the top step. Taking a deep breath Katniss marched up the steps and knocked on the door.

But no one answered.

“Are you home, Peeta?” she called.

She knocked again. And again.

Discouraged that no one was there, she turned and sat on the top step and thought.

_Maybe I should leave the phone on the porch in front of the door. But I really wanted to talk with him in person. See him again._

She sat there pondering her problem when a wet figure on crutches came around the corner of the house and walked toward the stairs.

“You’re here,” he said, stopping at the bottom. “I heard someone calling my name.”

Peeta looked good. Thinner than she remembered, and on crutches, but still the same guy with that sweet, puppy-like excitement.

“I brought back your cell phone.”

“Excellent.” He gave her a knowing smile. “I left it behind on purpose, you know. Besides you needing a flashlight and all.”

Her eyebrows rose.

“My brother told me about that trick. Said leaving something behind with a girl I liked guaranteed that I’d have an excuse to meet up with her again to get it back.”

_Liked?_

Katniss blushed. “You’re lucky I’m not the kind of girl to just keep your phone. It’s nicer than any I’ve ever owned.”

“I trust my judgment about people.”

An awkwardness came over them and Katniss stood up. “I should probably be going.”

She bent down and picked up the white sweatshirt before going down the stairs to hand Peeta his phone. Their hands met for a brief instant; then he shoved the phone into his back pocket. 

“Can I see you again, Katniss?” 

“I guess you’ll have to if you want your sweatshirt back.”

“It’s my brother’s shirt.”

Katniss threw the sweatshirt back onto the stairs. “I put my number in your contacts list. You can call me.”

“How about tonight?”

She nodded and walked toward the sidewalk, turning to wave before she headed down the street. Underneath her breath, she softly sang a favorite old song of her father’s.

 

_And we have just begun watching the river run_

_Listening and learning and yearning_

_Run, river, run._

 

 

**THE END**

 


End file.
